(i) ‘Jamaica in Miniature; or, a Collection of Impossibilities’, by Teresia Constantia Phillips.
First line: ‘When Beauty, Wit, and soft good nature’. For the attribution see Kathleen Wilson, The Island Race (2014), p. 157.
(ii) ‘Sequel’ (a continuation of the above), by Teresia Constantia Phillips?
First line: ‘When Study, Friendship and rewarded Merit’.
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Transcripts
Jamaica in Miniature; or, a Collection of Impossibilities.
When Beauty, Wit, and soft good nature,
Or Tongue unting’d with meanest Satire,
To Creole Women once belong,
Muse I’ll admit you’re in the wrong.
When John in sweet Behaviour is outdone,
Or G–bs–n by the Hope of Interest won.
When H–rr–s is to Black Dianna cold,
Or Speaker N–dh–m scorns the Love of Gold.
When Thoughts of Glory or his Country’s prize,
One Man-like Thought in H–mps–n’s {1} Soul can raise.
When aught that’s good in Ballard’s Story’s told,
Or Bessy to the Joys of Love grows cold.
When M–rk H–ll’s Wife’s unruly Members tired,
Or the poor Wretch with Wisdom is inspired.
When Archb–ld shall cease his Wife to prize,
Or Samms for Virtue you see cannonized.
When good Trel–wny all their Hearts can win.
Or James the third you see old England’s King.
When P–nny is no more his Friends delight,
Or Dr–per ceases to turn day to night.
When not one Scotchman in the Island’s found,
But modest Females in their room abound.
When Mother Ellis th’ Bawdry Trade gives o’er
Or in her House Intrigues are held no more.
When Master D–cky’s once with Wisdom tax’d
When B–ckf–rd {2} is afraid of Scandal’s Tongue,
Or cares who thinks him right or wrong.
When Patient Andrew once has learn’d to Spell,
Or D–ky B–th–rst {3} a true Story tell.
When Barnet’s Voice sweet Harmony Shall lose,
Or dirty B–ks a briming† Glass refuse.
When Kate the happy way to please has lost,
Or Bella one good Quality can boast.
When Andrew justly calls a man his Friend,
Or Sam for Hospitality commend.
When W–nter has no Scheme in view but one,
Or poor old Jacob is by play undone.
When Ch–rlt–n strives to please and striving fails.
Or H–rry D–wk–ns {4} against Whoring rails.
When Bl–r his Belly or a Rump forgets,
To ’s Friend is staunch or ever out of debt.
When Jack without his darling Pipe can rise,
Or Tom can aught above a Lac’d Coat prize.
When Pr–ce’s Fortune shall no Envy cause,
Or his best Action gain the least applause.
On Greenland Ice when you see Roses spring,
Or D–nn–s Kelly say a silly Thing.
When ill got gain can Mother Sharp affright,
Or H–rry N–dham can be unpolite.
When Mother Halsted’s Dancing days are done,
Or Wr–ght can be in Price’s praises dumb.
When Wh–t–h–am’s Jests are void of Ribaldry,
On Archer’s Ridge {5} shall Bees in Clusters fly.
In W–dst–ck’s lines when you no charm can see,
Or F–ll–r without low Brutality.
When Matt can please his Friends a second Hour,
Without repeating what he said before.
When Gr–g–ry to profit aught prefer,
Or fills with Approbation Justice Chair.
When M–rphy can his darling Play forbear,
Or Br–dy’s lookt upon a good Surveyor.
When Hay and Dick are in Marriage join’d,
Or St–w–rd’s Wife to Continence inclin’d.
When A–k–nh–d can live without Design,
Or aught to Gratitude his Heart incline.
Whene’er he moves but for the vilest ends,
Or to delude or to betray his Friends.
When P–le nor Avarice nor Eating Loves,
And by his Living his pure Morals proves.
Then we may hope to see the World amend,
And Men of Sense shall at his Lectures tend.
——
Sequel
When Study, Friendship and rewarded Merit,
Polite Behaviour or a Publick Spirit,
When this you see be sure our grateful Muse,
In noblest Flights shall Commendation use.
When Chill {6} unsteady to his purpose proves,
Or quits the Interest of the Man he Loves.
When Honour, Truth or Courage can be found,
In little Provost’s Selfish, mean Compound.
When empty Words can strengthen a Debate,
The Fees of Gordon’s sure to meet their Fate.
When Briscoe shall no more his Swearers vex,
With Words obscure, or a Discourse perplex’d.
When ought moves Andrew but his Country’s good,
Or Jeaks’s Puns for Wit are understood.
When Knowles is Bullied into mean Submission
Or bends for Favour to the Coallition†.
Whenere the Hero, Signs of Fear shall show,
Hibbert & Bayly shall turn Kingston’s Foe.
When Manning shall disown the People’s Cause,
Or hope for a Reward but their applause.
When gentle Cargil gives Mankind Offence,
Or Hicks grows Famous as {7} a Man of Sense.
When no more Parties in this Isle you see,
Or Beech ill-natured or ill-bred can be.
When prating Webley talks of Law or Sense,
Tom Edwardes shall Philosopher commence.
When Artful Fearon ought shall enterprize,
But what shall tend himself to aggrandize.
When Hay begins to lead an Holy Life,
Or Woodcock lives to kill another Wife.
When Tom forgets the Beau and once turns Sage,
Rogers dull Life may fill up half a Page.
When out of Character brave Cotes is seen,
Or losing Game is played by Dan Mc.Queen.
When John is Summoned to account with Heaven,
For the fair Talents by his Maker given,
Can heaps of Gold attone† for the misuse,
Or Heaven be bribed to pardon the abuse.
When humble Reason fills poor Bessy’s Head,
Then Hymen’s Torch shall light her to her Bed.
When Dowell speaks but by the Grammar’s Rule,
We may forget he has gone to School.
When Foster March an Hippocrite shall turn,
Edwardes no more shall be the People’s scorn
When Charles & Jane in Marriage Bonds are bound,
Or one just Action in Venn’s whole Life is found.
When little Wallin for his Wit is prized {8}
Old Jones and Whiting shall be Cannonized
Who the poor Puppies would have sacrifised
When Gordon’s Soul Humanity shall learn,
Fanny’s good sense shall lose the power to Charm
When Ned Morant {9} gives ore the Love of Change,
Or the Uncurious Pinnock likes to range.
When artful Taylor a bad Bargain make,
Or poor old Hume {10} his Bottle shall forsake.
When Morse turns Candidate for Singing Clerk,
Or the Sky falls then we may catch a Lark,
When White does ought that Merits just Applause,
Nelly’s fair Form shall no more Envy cause.
In am’rous Flames when you see Gregory burn
Then Prin to some significance shall turn
When Fuller’s Coat will no more bear a turning
For Dead Hypocricy we’ll put on Mourning.
When Clarke’s no more the Favourite of the Fair,
Or makes the Vulgar World his smallest Care.
When Taafe from Pride of Folly shall be free,
Whole Troops of Female Converts you shall see.
When Dawkins shall his soft good nature lose,
When Stott’s Chaste Wife with evil Fame is tainted
Or Harry Lord’s for Virtue shall be Sainted
When Guy’s Amours are in oblivion laid,
Or Miss shall lose the fire of her Head.
When this you see chaste fair ones have a Care,
You may be sure that Doomsday’s drawing near
The Sun shall back on its own Axis turn,
And all beneath the No[r]thern Pole shall burn.
—————
{1} Probably Sir George Hampson, 5th Baronet (d. 1754), or his son Sir George Francis Hampson, 6th Baronet (1731–1774). See Debrett’s Baronetage.
{2} Underlined in pencil, with a dash in the margin.
{3} Underlined in pencil. Richard Bathurst (1722/3–1762), physician and writer.
{4} Henry Dawkins (1728–1814), plantation and slave owner and politician. He was resident in Jamaica from about 1751 to 1759. See History of Parliament and ODNB.
{5} A ridge of hills between Sixteen Mile Walk (now in the parish of St Catherine) and St Mary’s. See Sir Hans Sloane, A Voyage to the Islands Madera, Barbados, Nieves, S. Christopher’s, and Jamaica (1707), vol. i, pp. lxx, 74, 84, 86, 97, 99.
{6} The reading of the initial is uncertain.
{7} Interlined above a caret, after ‘for’, struck through.
{8} This line and the next two are braced on the right to ‘7:7’. The significance of these numbers is unclear.
{9} Edward Morant (1730–1791), the proprietor of substantial estates in Jamaica. He left the island for England in 1759. See History of Parliament, 1754–1790.
{10} Or ‘Hearne’?
† Sic.
