Stuk 3 - Letter from Lucy Clifford to Frederick Pollock

11 Portsea Place, Connaught Square, London, W.—Describes a recent dream about her husband.

(With an envelope, marked 'May 1879' and ‘If I die give this to F. Pollock | July 79.’)

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Transcript

17th May 1879
11 Portsea Place
Connaught Square. W.
London

I wish to write down a dream or what I think to be a dream concerning my husband W. K. Clifford.

I wish to say first that the night at Madeira he died—some hours later when I was in the next room I heard a voice by my side which I cannot even be certain was his voice, say “Darling”. I started up saw & heard nothing more but I told Miss Emma Stead, who was in the room, of it immediately. She will confirm what I say. She lives at Ovingdean Rectory Brighton. I attached no importance to this only regarding it as an outcome of my overstrung state of mind.

Last week, I cannot now fix the date but I think it was Thursday night, {1} I went to bed, as usual sleeping with Ethel. After a time I dreamt, first I was with my husband at Madeira & heard him talk to me of the visitors staying in the hotel, then in a field somewhere else where I lost sight of him. All this proves that my mind was not clear & also that I was certainly not awake, on the other hand I was very restless all night & feel certain I was not sound asleep. Then came the 3rd dream. I cannot be certain of the order of these 3 dreams. I am not certain it was a dream, I have been trying ever since to realize whether I was awake or asleep. I thought I was lying down, I was conscious of Ethel being beside me. I do not know where I was lying but my distinct impression is that I realized I was lying in the little bed as I actually was. I looked up & saw my husband standing by my side (the right side—on the other was Ethel) {2}. I am only conscious of having seen his face distinctly & I dimly remember a hand. I knew perfectly that he was dead. He looked pale & ill & worn & thin & sad. I put my arms up as if to put them round his neck. They brought his face down to mine. I do not remember my arms touching anything only that he stooped within them. He half turned his face so that I only kissed the left hand corner of his forehead. It was chilly—it did not feel natural. I said longingly “You have found me now, you will come often?” He answered “No, only this once”. I asked “Why?” A look of sadness & pain passed over his face & he looked away from me as he said “It would make a difference”. Then I said & I felt my face get hot & red with eagerness & as it did a momentary remembrance so keen I almost saw it, of the red face of a friend who had called on me recently passed before my eyes (I mention this to show my state of mind). I said “Tell me shall I come soon—will be† be long—shall I come to you again”. He answered thoughtfully “I cannot tell, you are among the Middle Shadows”. That is all. How he went I do not know. I know nothing more. His voice was low & sad. But it was not in a whisper. I know nothing more. I did not I think dream again but slept till fairly early morning.

I feel afraid to tell this. I doubt even if it would be believed, it might be laughed at. I can not be at [all] {3} sure that it is anything more than a dream but it has made a great impression on me.

Lucy Clifford

P.S. One think† more as I saw almost the red face of my friend I remember a swift thought darting thought perhaps it is all a dream, it made me doubt the other for a moment at the moment.

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Black-edged paper and envelope.

{1} Comma supplied, in place of a full stop.

{2} ‘the right side … Ethel’ interlined; brackets supplied.

{3} This word was omitted by mistake.

† Sic.