26 Colville Road, Bayswater, W.—She could accept his friend’s offer (cf. A7/10) if it were a gift to her husband’s testimonial, but not as one to herself. Reflects on her fortune in having had several years of perfect companionship with her husband. Sends a letter from John Morley about her manuscript.
(Dated Saturday. With an envelope, postmarked 2 Apr. 1881.)
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Transcript
26 Colville Road, Bayswater, W.
Saturday
My dear Fred
Don’t bully me for not writing before. I meant to do so this morning. You expressly told me to take time. I have taken it because I have not been well lately (I have had advice & am better) & everything unnerves me, & makes me break down. Your letter did, & I could not trust myself even to think of it at first. It was on my mind all the time I was with G on Weds but I did not trust myself to speak, for much fretting gives me neuralgia in the throat,—a very fine pain in its way but otherwise unworthy of cultivation. So I have taken refuge in things outside myself.
But I have thought much ab[ou]t the letter & have come to the conclusion that I like y[ou]r friend. {1}
It would of course be impossible to take anything from a man who did not like & admire Willi. But I want (as he did) sympathy for him not necessarily agreement. Other people have also a right to their conclusions if they have taken thought & trouble to arrive at them. If he recognises Willi’s genius & beauty of character what more can one demand from the kind of man you describe? One does—at least I do—expect people to see & sympathise with the perfect honesty & steadfastness with which Willi sought the truth, but not, as a matter of course, to acknowledge that he found it.
With regard to the testimonial. It was only given to me as an acknowledgement of my husband’s genius & as an expression of admiration for him, & I am very proud of it & of every individual contribution & regard it as a medal that Willi won for me. I am proud of everything he gave me, & never even sign my name without a little inward satisfaction. But I suspect many contributed to the Fund who loved & reverenced him & yet did not agree with his opinions. I only wish that I, that in my ignorance have no business to form any opinion, did not agree with Willi. It is a philosophy that is very fine when all one’s world is with one or may be restful enough when one is old & feeble but to anyone in my position is bitterest torture. Yet of course it is better than a belief in comfortable lies. If y[ou]r friend did’nt† like & admire Willi I don’t think he w[oul]d remember his scruples so keenly & speak out now, and I am very grateful & proud when anything expresses admiration & liking of him. You know he can’t want to help me personally, for he does’nt† even know me & if it is mere kindness & generosity towards a woman alone & with children why there are any number of women poorer than I. If it comes I shall take it as given to Willi’s testimonial & be grateful & proud of it, ten times more because of the delay & the circumstances I think.
A gift to me only I don’t think I could take. He is a stranger, & even with one’s dearest friends one has a feeling—that is an instinct (oh yes, I know you don’t like the word but I know what I mean by it) abt taking money, & it is a right one to cultivate. I sh[oul]d not let it stop me if I were destitute for the children’s appetites are to be considered rather than any fine feelings. But I have from the pension & testimonial together nearly £200 a year besides anything I save or am able to earn. So I have had my share of help & don’t want to become a prey to the Charity Organization Society. From another point of view to an outsider I am not so much to be pitied. I had nearly six years of perfect companionship (for we saw each other almost every day for 18 months or more before we married) & found reason every day as it went by to love & reverence him more—and find it still, & see more & more (tho’ it has been my strange good fortune to know the best & greatest men) that there was & is no one so perfect or so great. (Not even you my dear old ugly {2} Fred.) There are not many women after all that have this blessedness—especially women that have, as I have, a horrible power of keeping their critical faculties unweakened by their affections. Now make what you like out of this, I leave it in your hands. Only remember this—I am very very grateful to your friend. That was why y[ou]r letter did me up. I never can see how strong a hold my darling has on people, & see it calmly. Of course I know that he has it & that it will grow.
This is a long letter & I know you’ll abuse me for it. I enclose you a letter I had from John Morley to whom after all I ventured to send my MS. It was worth doing to get that letter I think. Please return it.
My best love to Georgie. What a plague & bother I am to you dear Fred.
Always Yours affectionately
Lucy Clifford
How confused & horrible this letter reads but my head aches & this wind is saluting my tenderest & aging bones, so I am not up to writing even letters.
[Direction on envelope:] F. Pollock Esq[ui]re | 48 Gt Cumberland Place | W.
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Black-edged paper and envelope. The envelope was postmarked at London, W., on 2 April 1881. Letters omitted from words abbreviated by superscript letters have been supplied in square brackets.
{1} W. H. Thompson. See A7/10.
{2} Reading uncertain.
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