Stuk 27 - Letter from J. B. Payne to Henry Sidgwick

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Explains that he is a bad correspondent. Refers to '[Charles Kegan] Paul's kind attempt to furnish [him] with a pupil to take abroad', and reports that the whole thing has fallen through 'from the outrageous conduct of the boy who appears to require a divine rather than a human Mentor.' Refers to their planned meeting on the following Saturday. Mentions that his rooms at Downing have been given up to a freshman, and asks Sidgwick if he thinks that there are any vacant rooms in Trinity College that he could occupy 'from Saturday till Thursday'. Reports that he has been abroad for two months during the summer 'with a very uninteresting pupil'. Expresses regret that he had not made more of his 'Cambridge chances'. Professes to be 'not at all happy', because of '[a] load of debt on the one side, and a cruel burden of acquired laziness on the other'. Claims to have 'given up the useless and heartbreaking search for a religion', and has left behind him 'ontology, sceptical conservatism, and many other bad things.' Confesses that the letter is being written late at night. Refers to their Cambridge friendship, and to the fact that he has always had friends who thought better of me than he thought he deserved. [Incomplete]